Building Relationships with Students
Why Relationships are the Foundation of Behaviour Management and Classroom Control
You’ve been told this over and over again. Or, if you’re at the very beginning stages, you soon will be – and for good reason.
Relationships are the most important thing in your classroom.
You must build a relationship with your students.
True.
Where a lot of teachers go wrong are in two key areas:
Forgetting the concept altogether
Navigating the haze of school bureaucracy, ‘surviving’ the school day, prioritising the curriculum, focusing on ‘academics,’ or thinking it’s trivial and unnecessary, especially at the Senior level. (It’s not)
Misunderstanding how to build it
Forcing conversations with students, conducting endless ‘getting to know you’ activities, crowding students’ personal space, asking too many questions like an investigator or trial lawyer, or simply feigning interest to get them on side.
The Desire to Have Relationships
Building relationships with students should happen naturally, and yes, itdoes start with you.
One of the first things you should ask yourself is, do I want a relationship with my students?
It seems an obvious answer at first.
‘Of course I want a relationship with my students, that’s why I became a teacher! I want to work with young people.’
No doubt – and I trust your reasoning.
The reason you should ask yourself this is because many teachers behave in a way that signals the opposite…..
They don’t talk to students. They don’t put in the effort to create a classroom students want to be a part of. They don’t greet them with a smile. They don’t talk to other colleagues and want to support our young people as a team.
They do clock on and off every day. They do turn up on time. (Most of the time) They do remember to take the role, and make detailed pastoral care notes like it’s part of their to-do list.
Building strong relationships with students comes from a natural desire to have a relationship with them.
Read it again. It’s that important.
It’s so simple and so basic, yet so incredibly fundamental, that each and every day….YOU show up with the intrinsic desire to want to have a relationship with your students.
Why?
The student-teacher relationship is the most powerful and influential factor that influences your:
- Teacher influence and leverage
- Teaching ability
- Classroom management
- Learning progression with students
- Motivation
- Self-awareness (and this deserves its own article)
- Job satisfaction
Understanding this and prioritising it early in your career will put you light-years ahead of everyone else.
Believe it or not, no – not everyone who teachers tries to achieve this.
Some are simply there to do a job.
Chances are that if you clicked on this article, that’s not you.
That’s a very good thing.
Anyone Can Do It
Now, where do we begin?
You understand that building and maintaining strong relationships with students is the number one priority within your teaching career. (This may change over time, and that’s okay too – after you’ve mastered this)
You also understand that his should be a natural, intrinsic desirethat can’t be forced.
From here, I’ve got good news for you.
The good news is that it’s easy. Anyone can do it.
Yes – absolutely anyone.
You don’t have to be naturally charismatic, extraverted, or one of those social butterflies who can talk ‘till the cows come home.
Nope.
Anyone can do it.
What you do need are a particular sets of skills that you can develop (if you wish) that will make relationship-building feel genuine and sincere.
The kind of relationships that are personally uplifting and make you say to everyone you know ‘I love my job and love what I do.’
It’s possible because I’ve seen it and live it myself.
Here’s what you do.
Be kind, respectful, pleasant, positive, and calm.
Each and every day.
That’s almost all there is to it.
This is the everyday you. It doesn’t matter how big the curriculum is and how little time you have to teach it. It also doesn’t matter that;
· You had a bad night’s sleep
· You have kids at home who also depend on you
· You got stuck in traffic
· You’re a deputy or assistant principal with too much to do
· You’re a coordinator or someone in a senior position of leadership
· Your office got trashed via a break-in and entering
· You forgot your lunch
· Your personal life is falling apart
· You’re stressed
Or, ‘I can’t do that or be like that because x.’
Nonsense.
You can do it.
Building Relationships 101
Notice we didn’t say….
· Be a pushover
· Don’t have boundaries
· Take yourself for granted
· Extend yourself beyond your limits
· Pretend like you’re never going to have bad days
Students respond to who you are consistently. You’re not perfect, but you are the leader.
They’re role model is you – the person right in front of them for six hours a day.
You can do it, and do it you should.
Doing it will open more doors for you in this area than any one specific, concrete strategy. Through applying it, the following will also be more conscionable for you:
· Talk much less and listen to your students. Don’t pretend to listen – actually listen. Be open to listening all the time. Students need to know you care.
· Greet your students at the door at the start and end of lessons. No, not every teacher does it. You should. Students appreciate it. Many will grow to love it. Look at each one of them and see them for the wonderful people they are. It helps when you smile.
· See every student as valuable. We’re all the same, regardless of your position, career, or status. You’re no better than them. If you think otherwise, get out of teaching.
· Talk to them. (Not forcefully) Ask genuine questions, show a general interest in their lives and what’s going on in their world. You don’t need to be an investigator – do it honestly and with nothing else behind it.
· Slow down and relax. Yes, you’ve got curriculum content to get through. Being approachable means positioning yourself as someone students can come to any time, and someone who doesn’t take their job too seriously. This doesn’t mean your other matters are not important. It means you prioritise their wellbeing first and foremost. This is how relationships are built.
· Be open to conversation. This is not the same as being always available. By doing all of the above, students will naturally come to you. Let them. Lean into it and embrace it.
Building rapport with students should feel effortless. If you’ve made it this far, I’m truly excited for you.
There are many articles to come that will cover this topic.
Students are funny in that they have a profound sense of right and wrong, fairness, and often who is or who isn’t a good person.
If you’re reading this, I’d be willing to bet you’re a pretty incredible person. It’s what brought you here. You care, and this is something that matters to you.
Let students see it.
…..let them know it.